How to get a vampire drunk
by I RuleThisWorldSoGetYourOwn
Summary: Not your run of the mill vampires getting drunk story, this one is fairly realistic. R
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The bet

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, its Stephanie Meyer's, I just figured out a realistic way for her vampires to get drunk!

**AN: I'm not I RuleThisWorldSoGetYourOwn I'm just using her account until I get my own. My pen name is Supa Paratroopa and this is my first fanfic.**

Emmett's POV

I watched as the credits rolled by on our latest game, sigh. Jasper and I had beaten it in no more than 2hours. Jasper was pressing the buttons with hope that maybe they'd go by faster. "What are we going to do now?" I asked.

Rose was working on her car, Alice was shopping online, Carlisle was at the hospital, Esme was hunting, and Edward, of course, was waiting for Charlie to fall asleep so he could watch Bella sleep. I looked at my watch 10:17 "It has been 15mins," I moaned, "They'll end soon I'm sure" Jasper replied, though he sounded like he was losing patients too "'m still bored, why don't you ask Alice how much longer?" "I'm not going to…"

"Oh look," I exclaimed, "the credits are ending!" As the last credits flew by one of the characters drunkenly wobbled up to the front of the screen and ran into it. We both laughed, "Hey, wouldn't that be so much fun." I asked "Fun? To do what?" " Get drunk of course" "Vampires can't get drunk!" "Who says they can't" "You want a bet?" "The usual?" "You're on!" He practically yelled. Then we slapped hands, "Here I'll be nice I'll give you 2 days instead of 1 to prove a vampire can get drunk." "OK, I'm not going to need it though" I replied "Hey don't get cocky or I'll take it back." I just smiled back, I had a plan.

I left him to find something to do and headed for Rose and My room. On the way up, I ran into Edward. I was going to tell him about the bet and see if he wanted to help. He just held up his hand and said, "Leave me out of it what ever it is" and just kept walking. Then he came back to add "Oh and if this has something to do with police, leave Charlie alone too." Then he left.

I just shrugged and continued on to Rose and my room, "I had been planning on trying this for sometime, now I just had a reason." I grabbed my wallet with my credit cards and one of rose's in case, Carlisle had cut off my credit cards, again. Then I dashed to the garage hopped into my jeep, and now to set my plan into action.

* * *

**An: Well that's chapter 1 people; you know the drill, review! Oh and if you have a good Idea for what the usual bet should be I may consider it.**


	2. beer quest

Chapter 2

Beer Quest

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, its Stephanie Meyer's, I just figured out a realistic way for her vampires to get drunk!

Last time: It was time to set my plan in action.

Emmett Pov

First, stop the liquor store. Being that I was mauled by a bear at 18. I've never actually bought alcohol before, but I have been to the grocery store before to get stuff for Bella to eat. So I walked in calmly and went toward the back of the store where the clerk couldn't see me very well. I looked through the rows and found some Budweiser; I'd seen commercials for it on TV.

I piled at least 10 twelve packs of beer into my basket. Then carried it to the check out counter pretending they were a little heavy. I put it on the counter and gazed around absent mindedly. Then my eyes caught a sign on the wall behind the guy. It said, "No Alcohol will be sold to anyone under 21. You must show a photo ID at purchase."

I cursed under my breath, I forgot all about that, according to my driver's license I was 18!

When he wasn't looking I moved my wallet at vampire speed to my inside jacket pocket. Then at human speed reached into the back pocket of my jeans then the other and said, "Shoot, I must have left my wallet in my car. I'll go get it."

Then I walked out and went to my jeep. Took out my wallet, got out my driver's license and went to work.

Within 5 minutes I had changed the on my license to say I was born and got my license 4 years sooner than it did before. I double checked my work not my best, but no one short of the CIA could tell the difference.

I went back in; the clerk was piling up my beers. Then he noticed me. He seemed surprised I came back; _guess they don't usually come back. _He recovered and started ringing them back up. He finished and I showed him my license, he looked at it for a minute then nodded. _It's like taking beer from a pimplely adolescent _I chuckled so quiet the clerk couldn't hear me.

Then I put the beer in the back of my jeep. The plan was simple drink like 10 times more beer than the amount needed to get a human drunk.

I opened the first beer and was about to start drinking when I remembered Edward told me "If this involves police leave Charlie out of it_." Hmm, maybe I should try this out somewhere else. _

_It would be easier to keep it from Carlisle and Esme, and Jasper if this doesn't work. _

_Plus, I still remember what Edward did last time I did something he told me directly not to do. _

_Ok, out of town it is._ I hoped in my jeep and headed for the highway, _I think I'll go to Seattle. It's far enough away and big enough to have breathalyzers in the cop cars. _I thought mischievously.

I reached Seattle in a matter of minutes, I was going fast even for me, I was so excited.

I parked next to a small park. I got out and there was people watching so I walked a frustrating human speed to the back got them out, went back to the front put them in the passenger seat then shut the door.

_Finally, I don't have to move at human pace anymore. _I cracked open the cans and drank them at vampire speed.

_I don't get what's so addicting about them, they taste awful, kind of like bad tasting medicine mixed with tar and a hint of mud. _I drank them all down though, but I didn't feel any effects. _Aren't I suppose to feel light headed or wobbly or something!?! _

_Maybe I need more. _I went to 5 more stores in Seattle and 3 in Port angles. I bought 10 six packs at each and still nothing!

_Perhaps I am drunk and just don't know it, only one way to find out! _I started hunting for a police officer.

After 20 minutes, I was getting frustrated. _**What is there some sort of cop meeting? I am in Seattle and can't find a single cop car! **__I wish Edward were here he's talent might actually be use full instead of annoying right about now!_

Lucky me I **finally **ran into a cop car. I pulled in front of him and the road was clear so I really hammed it up. I swerved back and forth across the three lanes. While going at least 15 mph over the speed limit.

Then he turned on his sirens I pulled over to the side of the side of the road he pulled over behind me. Then came over to my window and knocked on it.

I rolled it down and gave him a drunken smile like they do in the movies. "Is there a problem officer?" I asked in a drunken voice. "Have you been drinking tonight?" He asked "No sir" I replied. "Well we'll see." He went back to his car I was twitching with joy now's the decisive moment. He came back with the breathalyzer machine. He asked me to blow out hard. I blew out at a human version of hard. It beeped and I stopped blowing "Well I'll be" said pushing his hat back. "It says you don't have **any** alcohol in your system!"

**AN: Ok, I'd like to thank ****BloodSinger95****and ****mrsjaspercullen95**** for reviewing, but I'm annoyed that I only have 2 reviews So I won't post chapter 3 till I get 5 more reviews. **

**Don't you want to know How Emmett's getting out of this and Why it didn't work! REVIEW NOW!!!!!!!!**


	3. strike one: not even close to the park!

**Strike one, foul ball**_**;**__**wasn't even close to the park**_

**AN: I'm sorry about the delay but I have been ****really**** busy, but I'll try to update more often. Now can you stop scowling at your computer, it's creeping me out!**

_**Last time: It beeped and I stopped blowing. "Well, I'll be." He said pushing his hat back, "It says you don't have any alcohol in your system!"**_

**(Emmett's POV) **

I sat completely stunner for 0.8 seconds. Then the officer said, "Let's try this again." I replied "ok" I blew into it harder this time. It beeped I looked, 0, a big fat **0**! I was screaming in my head just about every curse word I knew.

I was about to vocalize them then I remembered my situation. I was pulled over for driving like a maniac and my breathalyzer test showed ZERO! I need a plan, fast!

The officer speaking roughly brought me out of my thoughts. "Hmm, maybe I should test you for drugs," he muttered, "hold out your arm I'll need to draw some blood." _Oh, no this is bad. What'll he think when the needle bends?! Wait, I got it!_ "You can't draw my blood I, uh… have hemophilia. It's extremely dangerous to my health" I stopped him.

"Yeah right, now give me your arm." He stated.

"No, seriously! You can ask my dad; he's a doctor." _How was that for quick thinking? _

"Is that so?" He said rubbing his nearly beardless chin. "Well then, I would love to talk to your dad when we get back to the station." _Oh great! Why'd I say that?!? What am I going to do now?_

I felt the seconds tick away as the officer watched me smugly while we drove to what he kept calling 'downtown'.

"Your dad's not really a doctor is he?" he said interrupting the nice, quiet, peaceful, ominous silence that I had finally grown accustomed to.

"No he is, it's just…" then another brilliant idea came to me "fine. I'll call him when we get there."

The rest of the trip was dull and boring. The entire time I was thinking about what to do. I had to call someone, or I'd be responsible for revealing the existences of vampires to the _entire world!_

When we finally arrived, I took out my cell and called Edward, _he has a good Carlisle impression… if he'll help that is. _

It rang twice then Edward picked up. I whispered so the cop couldn't hear and pretended I was still waiting. "Edward I'm in big trouble!"

Edward sighed "how bad this time."

"Total vampire's existence exposed bad." Now I had Edward's _full_ attention, "What do you need?"

"Pretend to be Carlisle and convince this cop that I have hemophilia!" I told him, "Got it," he replied.

"Finally," I said playing my part. The officer then asked me to give him the phone. I obliged.

"Dr. Cullen speaking, may I ask who's calling?" Edward recited from many years of practice.

"This is Lieutenant Havoc of the Seattle police department. Your son has been pulled over for reckless driving, and insists he can not have his blood drawn due to a condition called hemophilia. We've already brought him down to the police station, if you could meet us there for further explanation on this condition, proof of doctor ship, and pay for the driving ticket it would be very helpful other wise, he'll have to stay the night here." The 'lieutenant' said.

"I'm sorry officer_, _but that would be_ physically impossible_. You see, I am currently in a doctor's convention in England and not scheduled to return until a fortnight from now."

"Um… how long would that be exactly?"

"-sigh- well," Edward started._ Wow! This guy knows nothing about England… wait, did Edward just sigh over the phone?_ "A fortnight is the British term for two weeks."

"Oh, I see the dilemma… in that case, I'll just look up all medical conditions at the station. Is there anyone in the state that can pick him up?" Compromised Mr. Havoc.

"Yes, actually my other son, Jasper is. I'll call him, and tell him to pick up Emmett and pay the fine. Can you please hand the phone to Emmett; I think he deserves a proper scolding, but this should do until I get back." Edward practically assured him in his fake Carlisle voice.

With my vampire hearing, even though the phone lines mangle most sounds, I could practically see Edward laughing at this stupid predicament. _Great… and he's sending Jasper to come get me so he can laugh about it too. Edward, you're evil!!_

"Emmett! You listening?" Edward called through my new chocolate i-phone. **(The kind that's **_**not**_ **edible)**

"Yes dad?" I said in character for the cop. _Since when did they have lieutenants in the police ranks? And what kind of name is Havoc?!? _ I fumed.

"Listen, I'm going right now to change the records. He can look into it all he wants. In the meantime, _Jasper_ will have to pick you up." He explained menacingly. _'Oh boy, I'm in a lot of trouble this time.'_

"Yes dad." I groaned and put an extra sigh in there just for added dramatic effect while closing my phone and 'taking a seat'.

_**Later **_

I called Edward but he didn't answer. I slammed the phone shut._ Fine! I can do it without his help. Hmm…but this will require some__** research**__. _That reminded me of an old guy that said research weird. _Focus Emmett! _I flipped my phone back on, went to internet, and googled 'drunk'.

I skimmed through the list. _ Hmm… a Wikipedia article. That sounds promising… _ I scrolled through it. _Hmm here we go. You are legally drunk at a breathalyzer reading of… 0. Oh, no that's for under 21! I don't think Jasper will go for that though._

I chuckled and continued a little further down. _Here it is .08 is legally DUI! (_**AN: Driving Under the Influence) **_ Yes! Found it! So now how am I going achieve it? To Google I return! _I googled Things that increase BAC (**AN: Blood Alcohol Content- what a breathalyzer measures)**

I skimmed the results. _OOOOH there was one here that was about the Myth Busters. They're awesome! _I clicked on it and read it._ Apparently, they tried to lower a BAC with no luck, but to my luck, they found some that actually raise it! Awesome, next thing to try… Poppy seeds!_

**AN: and that is ch.3 first try didn't work out (wouldn't be much of fun if it had), but a great thing about Emmett is that he keeps trying! **

_**Oh and that thing about the myth busters is true! **_

**Speaking of which, I don't own Twilight, Google, Myth Busters, or anything else besides the plot. That I do own.**

_**Ahem!**_

**Ok, with some creative consulting from ruler. That better?**

_**Yup XD **_**^-^ O.o ********/******** =-= **


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